3 baby
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Posted:Feb 19, 2010 5:13 am
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 10:18 am
1684 Views
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There were three babies in a woman's womb, and they were discussing what they would like to be when they were out in the world and grown up.
The first one said "I wanna be a plumber." The others laughed at this, and asked why he wanted be be a plumber. He replied, "So I can fix the pipes in here, it's kinda leaky."
The second one said "I wanna be an electrician." The others thought this was kind of silly too and asked why. The second baby answered, "So I can get some lights in here, its dark!"
The third one said, "I wanna be a boxer." The others thought this was hilarious, and laughed for a full five minutes, before asking, "Why in God's name do you want to be a boxer?"
He replied, "So," he said proudly, "I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps coming in here and spitting on us.
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Top 10 Rejection Lines
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Posted:Feb 19, 2010 5:11 am
Last Updated:Apr 25, 2011 10:27 pm
1693 Views
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Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean...)
10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).
5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)
and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it really means)
1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing.)
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...)
10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)
and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)
1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)
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Why Men don't Write Advice Columns
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Posted:Mar 28, 2009 11:42 am
Last Updated:Jan 19, 2010 8:29 am
1641 Views
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Dear Walter,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbours' . I'm 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbours' is 22. We have been married for ten years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I'd leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever sinceI gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Sheila
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Dear Sheila ,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine... Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,
WALTER
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Troubled Sex Life
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Posted:Mar 28, 2009 11:39 am
Last Updated:Apr 22, 2009 10:34 am
1567 Views
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A woman went to her shrink because she was having severe problems with her sex life.
The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems.
Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"
"Well, yes, I actually did once."
"And how did your husband look?"
"Angry, very angry."
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.
Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual.
How did it occur that you saw his face that time?"
"He was looking through the window at us!"
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Most Embarrassing Feminine Moments
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Posted:Feb 13, 2009 1:27 am
Last Updated:Mar 14, 2009 11:05 am
1648 Views
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Most Embarrassing Feminine Moments
A contest was organized by "New Woman Magazine" on "Most Embarrassing
moments" topic. The following are few good embarrassing moments that
magazine received from several women.
--------------- Curl Up and Die ------------------
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three in tow and
asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin, TX
---------------------- Pad, please! ---------------
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old to run and get me a pad.
He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.
Kathy Newman, 46, Wnston-Salem, NC
----------------------- Ho, Ho, Ho ----------------
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards.
Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look.
Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my , I had captured my reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!
----------------------- Lady Golfer------------------
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."
Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI
--------------------- Nuts about You----------------
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD
===========================================================
****************************************************************************
===========================================================
The following are the top four winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest in the "New Woman Magazine":
----------------- Na-na na-na na-nah! ------------
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
Amy Richardson; Stafford, Virginia
------------------- Surprise! ----------------------
It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs.
I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a nude piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed.
When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, "SURPRISE!"
My entire family: aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.
Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again.
Tim Cahill, Poughkeepsie, New York
------------------ Priceless ----------------------
One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moments stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store.
When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.
Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE."
That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for THUMBTACKS."
In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
----------------- Mom's Advice-----------------------
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming
around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to
his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom." she screamed.
"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
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Why Fight Started..
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Posted:Feb 8, 2009 9:56 am
Last Updated:Mar 14, 2009 11:05 am
1660 Views
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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she
answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look
at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....
********************************************************************
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"
And that's when the fight started....
*************************************************************************
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out
into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage,
turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all
day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?'
And that's when the fight started....
**************************************************************************
A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from
outside.
The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the
man 'Holy shit. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed, scared and naked, and jumped
out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn
bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And that's when the fight started....
*********************************************************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for
$14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the
cold cream.
And that's when the fight started....
**************************************************************************
A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I
feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'
And that's when the fight started....
**************************************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason,
took my order first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started....
***********************************************************************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion,
and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone
at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took
to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'
And that's when the fight started....
***************************************************************************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go
home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I
opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver
hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social
Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have
gotten disability, too.'
And that's when the fight started....
*************************************************************************
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
someplace
expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.
And that's when the fight started....
****************************************************************************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in
about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And that's when the fight started....
*******************************************************************
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And that's when the fight started....
***********************************************************************
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